


Daniel's Journey through Oz

by Freya_Kendra



Category: Stargate: SG-1
Genre: Gen, Humor, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-02-21
Updated: 2010-02-21
Packaged: 2017-10-24 12:37:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,245
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/263541
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Freya_Kendra/pseuds/Freya_Kendra
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A re-write of the classic movie in 3 musical acts.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Daniel's Journey through Oz

First posted September 24, 2001

( _with songs from "The Wizard of Oz", originally by Harold Arlen & E.Y. Harburg_)

 **  
ACT 1   
**

**EXT. Atop Cheyenne Mountain - NIGHT**

Fade into image of evergreen branches against a starry sky. Pan down to find Daniel sitting on the ground, his hands around his knees, looking pensively up at the stars. MUSIC is beginning for the tune for "Somewhere Over the Rainbow."

"SOMEWHERE BEYOND THE WORMHOLE"

 **DANIEL**

When the universe is a deadly jumble,  
And the Goa'uld tumble all around,  
The Stargate opens up a magic land.  
When Ha'tak ships darken up the skyway,  
There's a wormhole highway to be found,  
Leading from an empty night  
To a place beyond the stars -  
Just a step through a blue light.  
Somewhere, beyond the wormhole, far in the galaxy,  
There's a woman who loved me once in a fantasy.  
Somewhere, beyond the wormhole, skies are blue,  
And the dreams that you dare to dream  
Really do come true.  
Someday I'll look upon a star,  
And wake up where the pain is far behind me;  
Where nightmares fade like distant dreams,  
Away, beyond dark Goa'uld schemes  
That's where you'll find me.  
Somewhere, beyond the wormhole, Asgards fly.  
Nox live beyond the wormhole,  
Why then, oh why can't I?  
If happy little Asgards fly beyond the wormhole  
Why, oh why can't I?

LEAVES AND DIRT BEGIN TO SWIRL AROUND DANIEL'S FEET. A dust devil forms. It grows into a thick cloud. As the cloud dissipates, night fades into daylight.

 **EXT. Abydos, near the pyramid - DAY**

Daniel's memory has taken him back to the moments after the battle with Ra. The Abydonians are celebrating. Festive music grows until the tune for "Ding-Dong the Witch is Dead" can be recognized.

"THE ABYDOS LAND SONG (Ding-Dong The Witch is Dead)"

 **OMA DESALA**

Come out, come out wherever you are,  
And meet the young man who came from a star.  
He came from the sky, he came very far,  
And Tau'ri, he says, is the name of the star.

 **ABYDONIANS**

Tau'ri, he says, is the name of the star.

 **OMA DESALA**

He brings you good news, or haven't you heard?  
When he traveled from Tau'ri, a miracle occurred!

 **DANIEL**

It really was no miracle.  
What happened was just this:  
The folks began to twitch, the Goa'uld to bitch,  
And suddenly all hinges started to unhitch.  
Then Ra, that witch, to satisfy an itch,  
Sent fliers on their war ships, blasting things to bits!

 **SCARRA**

And, oh, what happened then was rich!

 **ABYDONIANS**

The sand began to shift, the pyramid to lift,  
It blew up on the wicked witch, before it passed the rift;  
Which was not a healthy situation for the wicked witch!  
The sand began to shift, the pyramid to lift,  
It blew up on the wicked witch, before it passed the rift;  
Which was not a healthy situation for the wicked witch!  
Who couldn't even twitch, and was reduced to just a stitch  
Of what was once the wicked witch!

 **HASOUF**

We thank you very sweetly for doing it so neatly.

 **SHA'RE**

You've killed him so completely,  
That we thank you very sweetly.

 **OMA DESALA**

Let the joyous news be spread:  
The wicked, old witch at last is dead!

 **ABYDONIANS**

Ding-dong the witch is dead.  
Which old witch? The Gao'uld witch!  
Ding-dong the wicked witch is dead!  
Wake up, you sleepyhead.  
Rub your eyes, get out of bed!  
Wake up the wicked witch is dead!  
He's gone where all Goa'ulds go,  
Below - below - below!  
Yo-ho, let's open up and sing and ring the bells out.  
Ding Dong the merry-oh, sing it high, sing it low,  
Let them know the Goa'uld Witch is dead!

 **HASOUF**

As leader of the people of Abydos,  
In the county of the land of Oz.  
I welcome you most regally.

 **THOR**

But we've got to verify it legally  
To see...

 **HASOUF**

To see...

 **THOR**

If he...

 **HASOUF**

If he...

 **THOR**

Is morally, ethically,

 **ABYDONIAN 1**

Spiritually, physically,

 **ABYDONIAN 2**

Positively, absolutely,

 **ABYDONIANS**

Undeniably and reliably dead!

 **JACK**

As the guy with the bomb, I thoroughly killed him,  
And he's not only merely dead;  
He's really most sincerely dead!

 **HASOUF**

Then this is a day of independence for all the Abydonians  
And their descendants!  
Yes, let the joyous news be spread:  
The wicked Goa'uld witch at last is dead!

 **ABYDONIANS**

Ding-dong the witch is dead.  
Which old witch? The Gao'uld witch!  
Ding-dong the wicked witch is dead!  
Wake up you sleepyhead.  
Rub your eyes, get out of bed!  
Wake up the wicked witch is dead!  
He's gone where all Goa'ulds go,  
Below - below - below  
Yo-ho, let's open up and sing and ring the bells out.  
Ding Dong the merry-oh, sing it high, sing it low,  
Let them know the Goa'uld Witch is dead!

 **SHA'RE**

I represent the Lullaby League,  
The Lullaby League, the Lullaby League,  
And in the name of the Lullaby League,  
I wish to welcome you to Abydos!

 **SCARRA**

I represent the Magic Light Guild,  
The Magic Light Guild, the Magic Light Guild,  
And in the name of the Magic Light Guild,  
I wish to welcome you to Abydos!

 **ABYDONIANS**

We welcome you to Abydos Land  
Tra la la la la la la la la la la la

 **ABYDONIAN 1**

From now on you'll be history

 **ABYDONIAN 2**

You'll be his...

 **ABYDONIAN 3**

You'll be his...

 **ABYDONIAN 4**

You'll be history

 **ABYDONIAN 1**

And we will glorify your name!  
You will be a bust...

 **ABYDONIAN 2**

Be a bust?

 **ABYDONIAN 3**

What's a bust?

 **ALL**

In the hall of fame!  
Tra la la la la la la la la la la  
Tra la la la la la la  
Tra la la la la la la la la la la  
Tra la la la la la la

MUSIC INTENSIFIES, THE SKY DARKENS AND LIGHTENING BEGINS FLASHING.

 **INT. Pyramid on Abydos - Night**

Apophis' Jaffa take Sha're back through the Stargate, away from Abydos. The pyramid seems to vanish around SG-1 as more fast music and lightning flashes follow. Wind stirs the sand, building into a tornado effect which swirls around Daniel and then rises into a dark sky.

The music starts to calm. Night slowly dissolves into a bright, sunny day.

 **EXT. Abydos Village - Day**

Daniel walks out of a tent and hands a baby to Hasouf. It is Sha're's baby.

 **TEAL'C**

The child is Harsesis.

DANIEL TURNS TO LOOK QUESTIONINGLY AT TEAL'C.

 **HASOUF**

Harsesis?

DANIEL TURNS TO LOOK QUESTIONINGLY AT HASOUF.

 **THOR**

Harsesis.

DANIEL TURNS TO LOOK QUESTIONINGLY AT THOR. He turns again, to find what appears to be a Buddhist monk holding the baby. The monk smiles and then backs away into a mist. Daniel reaches forward, but only the mist remains.

 **ABYDONIAN 1**

Follow the hollow blue road.

DANIEL TURNS TO FACE A SMILING ABYDONIAN.

 **ABYDONIAN 2**

Follow the hollow blue road.

DANIEL TURNS TO FACE ANOTHER SMILING ABYDONIAN.

 **SHA'RE**

Follow the hollow blue road.

DANIEL TURNS TO FACE SHA'RE. He reaches his hand out to her, but she slowly morphs into Teal'c. Someone grabs Daniel's arm and pulls him around. Daniel keeps spinning, facing Abydonian after Abydonian.

THE MUSIC EASES INTO THE TUNE OF "Follow the Yellow Brick Road".

"FOLLOW THE HOLLOW BLUE ROAD"

 **ABYDONIANS** (speaking softly)  
Follow the hollow blue road; follow the hollow blue road

 **ABYDONIANS** (speaking louder)

Follow the hollow blue road; follow the hollow blue road

 **ABYDONIANS** (singing loud and clear)

Follow the hollow blue road; follow the hollow blue road.  
Follow, follow, follow, follow, follow the hollow blue road;  
Follow the hollow blue, follow the hollow blue,  
Follow the hollow blue road!

ABYDONIANS BEGIN HERDING DANIEL AND THE REST OF SG-1 TOWARD A STARGATE in the middle of the village.

 **ABYDONIANS**

You're off to find Harcesis, the Wonderful Harcesis Child.  
You'll find he is a Whiz of a Wiz, if ever a Wiz there was!  
If ever, oh ever, a Wiz there was, the Harcesis Child is one because,  
Because, because, because, because, because,  
Because of the wonderful things he knows!  
You're off to find Harcesis, the Wonderful Harcesis Child!

 **\- End of Act 1 -**

 **  
ACT 2   
**

**INT. The Castle on Ernest's Planet - Day**

The members of SG-1 step through the Stargate and find themselves in a familiar place: the castle on Ernest's planet.

THE THREE-DIMENSIONAL, UNIVERSAL LANGUAGE BEGINS SWIRLING AROUND THEIR HEADS. Images of the Nox, the Tollan and the Asgard begin to swirl around as well.

 **THE NOX**

The very young do not always do as they are told.

 **THE TOLLAN**

You are not ready.

 **THE ASGARD**

Perhaps one day you might become the fifth race.

 **THE NOX**

Perhaps.

 **THE TOLLAN**

Perhaps.

 **THE NOX**

The fifth race.

 **JACK**

Ya' think?

MUSIC COMES IN WITH THE TUNE FOR "If I Only Had a Brain"

"IF WE ONLY HAD THE BRAINS"

 **JACK**

We could start to show our aces,  
Conferrin' with the races,  
Consultin' with the Nox.  
And the Pentagon would give in,  
With some fancy homes to live in,  
If we only had the brains.

 **ERNEST**

We'd unravel any riddle  
For any individ'le,  
In trouble or in pain.

 **SAM**

We might even teach the Tollan,  
'Bout bein' so controllin'  
If we only had the brains.

 **TEAL'C**

Oh, we would find out how  
The ancients made the 'gate.

 **DANIEL**

We'd beat the Goa'uld without a trace of hate,

 **TEAL'C**

And then we'd sit and meditate.

 **JACK**

We would not be seen as babies,  
Our future full of maybes.  
The Goa'uld are such a pain!  
We could sigh with relief  
And say "good riddance!" to this grief,  
If we only had the brains.

THE MUSIC TURNS OMINOUS and picks up pace as the castle starts to crumble. Everyone looks about in worry, and then runs toward the Stargate. It is already activated. One by one, they jump through, until only Daniel and Jack are left in the castle. Falling boulders block their path. Jack reaches for Daniel's hand. Daniel lifts his hand in response, but is buried under a wall of falling stones before their fingers touch.

THE MUSIC STOPS. The dust begins to settle.

 **INT. The Embarkation Room at the SGC**

Jack reaches out his hand. Daniel grasps it this time, and then finds himself being pulled to his feet on the ramp. Realizing he is safe at the SGC rather than in the castle, and no longer trapped under a half ton of stones, Daniel's thoughts turn hopeful. THE MUSIC TURNS LIGHT.

The tune for "Wonderful Wizard of Oz" begins to filter in as all four members of SG-1 assemble on the ramp. They are preparing to embark on another journey through the Stargate.

"THE WONDERFUL HARCESIS CHILD"

 **DANIEL, JACK, SAM AND TEAL'C**

We're off to find Harcesis,  
The Wonderful Harcesis Child.  
We hear he is a Whiz of a Wiz,  
If ever a Wiz there was.  
If ever, oh ever, a Wiz there was,  
The Harcesis Child is one because,  
Because, because, because, because, because,  
Because of the wonderful things he knows.  
We're off to find Harcesis,  
The Wonderful Harcesis Child.

 **INT. The Embarkation Room at the SGC**

SG-1 stumbles back onto the ramp. Daniel looks around, puzzled, as his teammates heave sighs of relief, brushing dust off their uniforms and removing their helmets.

 **HAMMOND**

Welcome back, SG-1. Debriefing in one hour.

DANIEL LOOKS AT JACK. Jack shrugs.

 **INT. Debriefing Room at the SGC**

The members of SG-1 and General Hammond are seated around the conference table. Stacks of previous mission reports are piled in front of each of them. Daniel gingerly lifts the flap of the top report cover.

THE LIGHTS GO DOWN AS ALL EYES ARE DRAWN TO THE SCREEN BEHIND HAMMOND. Slides from each mission flash by in quick succession. When images from the Nazi-like race portrayed in the episode "The Other Side" appear, Daniel rises.

 **DANIEL**

Wait!

DANIEL MOVES TOWARD THE SCREEN as the music begins to play "If I Only Had a Heart".

"I HAVE WAY TOO BIG A HEART"

 **DANIEL**

When a world is locked in battle,  
Should we even try to prattle,  
Or stick with military art?  
Just because I'm presumin'  
These folks might be inhuman...  
They didn't even have a heart!

The next batch of slides reveal Lotan, his ship, and the people on the planet as seen in the episode, "Scorched Earth". JACK STAYS SEATED, BUT POINTS ACCUSINGLY AT DANIEL.

 **JACK**

You're too tender, you're too gentle.  
And awful sentimental,  
Regarding Gadmeer art.  
You'd be friends with every Unas,  
Who kicked you in the kruvus.  
You have way too big a heart!

Teal'c, watching this exchange, smiles at Sam. She smiles back. He rises, and with a sweeping gesture of his hand, his eyes moving to the ceiling, begins to sing:

 **TEAL'C**

Picture me a balcony;  
Above a voice sings low:

 **SAM** , standing

Wherefore art thou, Romeo?

 **DANIEL** , with an ear to Teal'c's chest

I hear a beat, how sweet!

Jack rolls his eyes and shakes his head while the rest of his team rejoins him at the table. After they've all settled back into their seats, he gives them a commanding look, and pointedly tells them:

 **JACK**

Just to register emotion, jealousy, devotion,  
Defeats the fighting part.  
We could all be dead by morning,  
If we don't heed all the warnings.

THE MUSIC STOPS SUDDENLY.

 **JACK** , shouting

We can't afford to have a heart!

 **  
ACT 3   
**

**EXT. Jack's backyard - DAY**

Daniel, Jack, Sam, Teal'c and General Hammond are enjoying a barbecue. The talk turns to the day's news about Senator Kinsey's re-election. MUSIC BEGINS once again with tune to "If I Only Had a Brain".

 **HAMMOND**

Well, it's sad, he got elected.  
Wish we could get that corrected.  
He's had his time to serve.  
He tries to show his power,  
Every day and every hour.  
He's got a lot of nerve!

 **JACK**

I'm afraid there's no denyin'  
He's just a heap o' lyin,  
A fate we don't deserve.  
I'd be brave as a blizzard

 **TEAL'C**

I'd be deadly as a lizard

 **SAM**

I'd be clever as a gizzard

 **DANIEL**

If the Harcesis is a wizard who will serve

 **SAM**

Then we're sure to get the brains

 **TEAL'C**

The heart

 **DANIEL**

A home

 **JACK**

The nerve

THE WIND BEGINS TO PICK UP. Soon dirt and sand are swirling around the teammates. A funnel of dirt reaches into the sky. A twig falls back to the ground. Jack picks it up, and we realize SG-1 is back on Abydos.

 **EXT. Abydos - DAY**

OMA DESALA SPEAKS FROM A TWISTER MADE OF SAND:

 **OMA DESALA**

You're out of the woods.  
You're out of the dark.  
You're out of the night.

SHIFU STEPS OUT OF THE SWIRLING SAND AND WALKS TOWARD DANIEL.

 **OMA DESALA**

Step into the sun, step into the light  
Keep straight ahead  
For the most glorious truths  
On the Face of the Heavens,  
In your mind

SHIFU REACHES A HAND TO DANIEL'S FOREHEAD.

 **SHIFU**

Hold onto your breath  
Hold onto your heart  
Hold onto your hope  
March up to the gate  
And bid it open

THE MUSIC GROWS FAST AND FURIOUS. The scene erupts into a kaleidoscope of images from past episodes, most from "Absolute Power". The last image, coinciding with the last musical note, is of the Stargate at the SGC, with a wormhole disengaging.

 **-CONCLUSION-**

 **INT. The Hall in the Land of Light**

Daniel awakens on the dais in the hall in the Land of Light. He sees his teammates at the table, feasting with the locals.

 **THE UNTOUCHED**

Ha, ha, ha  
Ho, ho, ho  
And a couple of tra - la - las  
That's how we laugh the day away  
In the Merry Old Land of Oz  
Bzz, bzz, bzz  
Chirp, chirp, chirp  
And a couple of la - di - das  
That's how the crickets crick all day  
In the Merry Old Land of Oz  
We get up at twelve  
And start to work at one  
Take an hour for lunch  
And then at two we're done  
Jolly good fun!  
Ha, ha, ha  
Ho, ho, ho  
And a couple of tra - la - las  
That's how we laugh the day away  
In the merry old land of Oz  
Ha, ha, ha  
Ho, ho, ho  
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha  
That's how we laugh the day away  
In the merry old land of Oz

DANIEL PUTS ON HIS GLASSES AND STANDS UP. A wind spins him around until he finds himself peering out of a tent, in a village with the Mongols from Emancipation, instead of the hall in the Land of Light. Jack, Teal'c and Sam are all being "attended" to in various ways.

 **EXT. Mongol village - DAY**

 **WARRIOR SPARRING WITH JACK**

Pat, pat here, pat, pat there,  
And a couple of healthy jabs,  
That's how we keep you fit and fair  
In the merry Old Land of Oz.

 **WOMEN MASSAGING TEAL'C**

Rub, rub here, Rub, rub there,  
Your abs are firm as brass!  
This is how we keep you in repair  
In the Merry Old Land of Oz!

 **WOMEN ATTEMPTING TO DRESS SAM**

We can make a dimple smile  
Out of a frown.

 **SAM**

Don't you even dare try to  
Dress me in that gown!

 **WOMEN ATTEMPTING TO DRESS SAM**

Uh-uh!

 **SAM**

Jolly old town!

SUDDENLY CHAKA (the Unas) IS ALSO THERE.

 **CHAKA'S BEAUTICIANS**

Clip, clip here, clip, clip there  
We give the roughest claws.

 **CHAKA**

That certain air of savoir faire  
In the Merry Old Land of Oz.  
Ha!

 **JACK**

Ha, ha, ha

 **TEAL'C**

Ho, ho, ho

 **SAM**

Ha, ha, ha, ha

 **CHAKA**

Ha!

 **ALL**

That's how we laugh the day away  
In the Merry Old Land of Oz  
How we laugh the day away  
Ho, ho, ho  
Ha, ha, ha  
Ha, ha, ha  
Ha, ha, ha  
Ha, ha, ha  
Ha, ha, ha  
In the merry old land of Oz!

THE WIND KICKS UP AGAIN, lifting the fabric of the tent around Daniel. He watches the tent fly away. Sand grains pummel his glasses. He closes his eyes instinctively. When he opens them again, he's lying on a bed in the SGC's infirmary. Jack is standing over him.

 **INT. SGC Infirmary**

 **JACK**

Welcome back.

 **DANIEL**

Back?

 **JACK**

You've been out for three hours.

 **DANIEL**

Out?

 **JACK**

Yeah. Out. As in Sleeping Beauty. Rip Van Winkle. Out. How's your head? You hit that ramp pretty hard.

 **DANIEL**

What happened?

 **JACK**

Freak storm on P4X79'er. Lightning hit the gate as you were coming through. Caused some kind of fluctuation thing with the wormhole. Frankly, I'm glad we didn't have to pick you up in Siberia.

 **DANIEL**

A storm in the Land of Light?

 **JACK**

Nooo. Didn't I just say P4X79-er?

 **DANIEL**

Must've been a dream.

 **JACK**

What?

 **DANIEL**

All of it. Unless you were singing...

 **JACK**

Me? What was I singing?

 **DANIEL**

You don't want to know.

 **JACK**

What else did you dream about?

 **DANIEL**

Well, Sha're was there. And Sam. And Teal'c. And Chaka.

 **JACK**

Chaka?

 **DANIEL**

He was getting his claws trimmed.

 **JACK**

A ... _ha_. Okay. Was Toto there, too?

 **DANIEL**

Very funny.

 **JACK**

I thought so.

 **DANIEL**

Huh?

 **JACK**

Ha, ha, ha.

 **DANIEL**

Ho, ho, ho.

 **JANET**

Well, why don't we throw in a few la-di-da's while we're at it. You're looking much better, Dr. Jackson. But I'm afraid, Colonel, I'm going to have to ask you to leave so we can give our patient a thorough check up.

 **JACK**

Huh. Lucky you.

 **DANIEL**

Ha, ha.

 **JACK**

Ha, ha, ha.

 **JANET**

Good-bye, Colonel.

She shoos Jack out of the room. The door closes on the infirmary. Fade to gray. Role credits.

 **-THE END-**


End file.
